March 14, 2018
Dear Career Counselor,
My grandson just graduated from college and is having a terrible time finding work. I was wondering if he would qualify for a job with the White House. I hear there's lots of turnover.
Is secretary of state still available? Or what about the young man who carried around extra pens for the president? Didn't he just get fired?
— Ambitious Grandmother
Dear Grandmother,
Good thinking! About a third of the top jobs in the Trump administration are still wide open, and while they usually aren't the kind of things that go to 21-year-olds, most of the people who are actually qualified wouldn't touch them with a 10-foot résumé.
Secretary of state seems to be off the table for the moment. But there's definitely an opening for personal assistant to the president — that's the guy with the pens. The previous incumbent, John McEntee, was escorted off the White House grounds this week after he failed his long-delayed security clearance — reportedly because of financial issues involving gambling and taxes.
There aren't any specific job requirements, but McEntee did star in a very popular video in which he demonstrated his ability to knock a bottle off a friend's head with a football. Can your grandson do that?
I guess he could practice. But what happens if my grandson goes to work for the White House and then fails a basic background check and gets tossed out the door? Would he ever get employment again?
No problem! McEntee, 27, has already been hired as senior adviser for the Trump re-election campaign. This is an administration that believes in failing upward.
Dear Career Counselor,
I used to be a happy, successful guy with lots of friends and a good job. Then I fell in with the wrong crowd. They gave me heaps of money and told me if I hung out with them, I'd be famous. It was all a lie! They held a big party for me, but their leader talked about himself all night while I stood there like a dopey janitor. Now everybody's making fun of me! Where do I go from here?
— Ruined Rick
Dear Rick,
Hey, aren't you the Republican who was running for Congress in that safe seat in Pennsylvania? I saw you at the end of the campaign, claiming Democrats hate God. Lots of luck.
Dear Career Counselor,
I think my grandmother's been trying to get me the secretary of state job. Please make her stop. It's true I got a very high B in my international affairs course, but I don't want to be tweet-fired!
Isn't there a cushier opening? Did they ever find anybody to be ambassador to South Korea?
— Generation Z
Dear Z,
South Korea is a very sensitive post and you would be crazy to think you can qualify just because Trump hasn't found a nominee in more than a year. Be realistic. How about ambassador to Ireland or Iceland or Belgium or Jordan or Bolivia?
Dear Career Counselor,
I have a degree in public relations and I hear you know a lot about getting jobs in Washington. I would like something that's not boring and is over in time for me to spend the summer with my friends in Boca Raton.
— Frat Brat
Dear Brat,
Consider becoming White House communications director. The job is open and if you get appointed, you should definitely be out by June. The first guy disappeared before Trump was even inaugurated, in the midst of what would have been regarded, in a less lively administration, as a sex scandal.
And then there was Mike Dubke, who lasted three months, and Anthony Scaramucci, who lasted 10 days, and Hope Hicks, who quit when her boyfriend, the staff secretary, was accused of spousal abuse.
Wow, definitely not boring. And I think they'd like me! I'm way better than some of the people they have now. I would never try to buy a $31,000 dining room set. Really, you can come look at my apartment.
Where do I apply?
Well, there are a lot of forms to fill out, but first you should try to find a contact in the administration who can put in a good word for you. Someone in as high a place as possible.
As long as it's not Jeff Sessions.
Dear Career Counselor,
I am a teacher and I'm beginning to think I have a moral obligation to volunteer to become secretary of education. Really, I'd much rather stick with the fourth grade, but this just can't go on.
Without being boastful, I'm pretty sure I would be way better than Betsy DeVos. For instance, I have visited underachieving schools. And I would never sit on national television grinning like an idiot and claiming you can't talk about school quality because "schools are made up of individual students."
What has she got that I don't have?
— Brenda at the Blackboard
Dear Brenda,
A father-in-law worth $5.4 billion.
Gail Collins, NY Times, March 14, 2018
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March 15, 2018
